Mid August 2010

I don't why but today I felt like I had to write a new post.
We have at last signed up to new doctors which is great as now I don't have to collect my medication from my old one which is miles away. I had to have a health check and we all know what they involve yep you guessed it being weighed. This was the bit I was dreading ever since I had that injection my weight has just gone up and up and not back to where is was before it.

So the nurse asks me to step onto the scales after measuring how tall I am .
Am stepping onto the scales and she then says OK step off now puts my weight in to the computer with the rest of my info. Then wham straight in to ask about my weight. I already tell her I know I am overweight and yes my condition could be connected to it.
Explained to her what treatment and advice I was getting from my hospital but it wasn't for long as the dietitian I was seeing was leaving to have a baby and said I could see the new person taking over from her. I was really comfortable with her and didn't want to see someone else.
This really upset me and so it set me back.

So when this nurse was talking about the things I need to do I was just so fed up I already know what I need to do am doing it but the weight is not going back down.
I can't do much exercise as it really is painful in all parts of my back and legs.

I try and walk into town at least once or twice a week and use my tram pet I got. This was one of the equipments I used in physio session so thought I would try and keep that up.

I am really getting fed up with my weight and myself for letting myself get like this.
Today I found out another friend of mine is having a baby. All I keep hearing is people having babies or just had them and I feel so jealous I guess is the word to describe my feelings to the news. I so long to have a baby my husband and I were going to try after our 1st wedding anniversary but as that's 3 weeks away I can't see this happening.

I guess hearing the news of friends having babies has sort of made me really think that I can have one to but I have to do the work to get myself prepared for pregnancy. Only I can do this.
Am going to join back at my old gym after the school summer holidays as its in a hotel it will mean things might be a bit quieter and less children in the pool as its not very big.
So this will my 1st step into getting myself sorted out. I don't want to have more surgery but I know one day I might have to have the pro laspes disc removed. I just can't believe this has happened again all the same pain is back but is under control with pain meds but I hate being this way having someone clean me up when I have problems going to the loo and sleepless nigths are getting worse and worse I really can't remember a night where I didn't sleep right through.
So we are going to be saving for a new bed to see if that helps.

Well nothing more I can think of right now to add but am glad I did type a new post as I do feel a little better oh and another thought that got me back here was in the new weightwatchers magazine this month someone blogg their weight lost journey and she lost 9 stones from doing it so this is what I hope to achieve.

July 2010

Well can not believe that soon I will of been married for a year where has the time gone.
It does seem a while since I wrote on here but a lot has happened.

Firstly I had to move back home as I couldn't cope with the stairs at my in law's home.
Later before Christmas I had another MRI scan done as pain in my right leg and hip was like before so panic struck in. So When I saw Yanni for my result sort of knowing what they would be.
Was told I had a new prolapse disc but this time on my right side where as the others where on my left.

He booked me in to have a nerve root block injection to ease the pain.
So I waited 4 months for this and it didn't work I am still in pain but as its now summer its not so bad manageable with pain killers I have now been given back on the old lot again.
I just seem to be going backwards and forwards and getting tired now.

At the time of the injection op I was told it was a 50 50 if I had known that I wouldn't of gone through with it even they did say to me are you happy to go a head I said well am here now was told to starve from night before and didn't have to ( thanks NHS nurses)

It made me put on weight and the other side effects from it made me feel down and just not myself my periods were every 2 weeks but its now back to normal but I did have the sodding thing on my honeymoon where we had booked a lovely place in Cornwall with a hot tub and I could only use it once.
But we shall return.

Things are good on the non medical side of my life we have our own place for 3 months now its lovely to have the room to do what we like and to live as a married couple as we didn't after we got married.

Am going to have to find a new GP who will understand my condition and maybe help me with my weight maybe look at going on these new tablets called alli but I need to make sure its safe.
All my friends around me have children who have had a baby and I feel sadden that I have let myself get like this with my weight and not to be able to have children.

In some ways it has made me more determined as now being 32 I really want to have one we both do we are ready now we have our place and are married all the 2 things I said I wanted first before having children and now I am stuck with this problem and need to get over these hurdles so we can.

Well not much more to add thats me up to date.

11th October 2009

Well autumn is sure here and its really getting colder now.
As my back is sore and in more pain than I was through the summer months.
I have been strict with myself and been to the gym alot and worked out and done 40 mins of swimming and it sure has paid off.
As I weighed in on Thursday gone -6lbs so pleased with that just hope I can do that again.

Been writing everything down of what I eat and making sure I have my main meal at lunch time.
Even through it doesn't fit in with everyone else this works for me.

22/09/2009

Going to start with a happy event first.
3 weeks ago I finally did it I got married it still all feels a dream even looking at the photo's of the day.
It all went so quickly just wished I did stand back and take all in.

Going back now to the reasons of the blog sadly things are not going so well with weight watchers think with all these events going on had my Aunts golden wedding weekend just gone.
I went to the gym and weighed myself after my workout and so angry with myself that I put on 3lbs will go to WW on Thursday will gym tomo and Thursday as its not till the evening.

But really need to focus more on why I am doing this.
Everyone thinks I have done so well in fact I haven't.

It doesn't help with my in laws finding last years tins of sweets and gets them out and tells me these need eating. I am so upset by their action and how they have not thought that I can not have these in my sight. When they told me it was like they were joking sweets down stairs may kill you but need eating. Why the hell don't they throw them away. Its like sweets for halloween for the children well I doubt they will get them as like last year they got eaten. Yes I will put my hands up to day I was with them.

But I need every possible support with this.
I should be happy now I have had the wedding of my dreams and love my husband very much but deep deep down I am not happy and that is with me and only me.

I will do this and only I can do it.

12 days till the wedding 17th August

Well the wedding is becoming closer and closer getting pretty nervous now having both families together for the first time. After recent events don't think its going to be smelling of roses.
Its like his family don't treat Andy like an adult as he is still living at home and as his sister is married and has a baby as well.
Everyone is focused on them I have been biting my tongue for so long now and can't wait to get out and start our own family life. We will be able to call the shots and no one will treat me like that again as I can not let them into my safe house.

I never want to be treated like that again I do not feel safe in the house every time I hear a car pull up I am up and ready to escape.
I shouldn't have to feel like that and be made to feel like the bad person who has no respect for the people who let me live there. I pay my way and should not have to feel un safe in my room.

He was so out of order.
They have not given a shit about the wedding have not offered any help we have had to ask for help. I have really tried to include them in this wedding but its all about his sister and her family.

Ever since they announced they were having a baby after we announced we are getting married.
Its been all about them.

I don't want a relationship like this I want to be able to get on with his family I did when I first met them now things have changed.
I guess living with them for a year I have come to see what truly goes on in the family and that is putting the one person I love dearly in the corner and forgotten about.

I am in 12 days time marring the one person I love and who makes me happy more than anything and not marring him for his family.

We are going to get on with our lives with or without them.

I have ww tomo night and really don't know how I have done just hope its enough for another lost this week then that will make 3 times in a row.

Here's to tomo WW..........................................

July 6 weeks till wedding

Well after putting on the 4lbs I lost 6lbs due to me being ill got to my 10lb mark,

But as I recovered from that I put on so now I have lost 5lbs but I have not gone over the 22st mark.

Get weighed tomo and think I have stayed the same.

As weighed myself and its the same.

I am not to worried but want to try and shift another half stone before seeing my GP again week on friday so that might be a little to ambitions.

But I am away at my mums as i have 2 appointments this week that will hopefully make us more successful on the housing lists. We so need our space now and then they can all stop walking over Andy. That really upsets me and then which I can see happening is when he will stand up to them I will be the one who changed that and then be at fault.

Once we are out in our own place will be bliss and start our own family.

Here's to the last 6 weeks of being single then to a long and happy healthy marriage.

June 09

Well after 5 weeks at WW I lost half a stone but sadly on my 6th week I added 4lbs back on.

So I put that behind me and got on with week 7 well I stayed the same but I have changed my weigh in days now and I was weighing in 2 days early. So will go to the gym tomo and see if I have lost any. But I feel I will be disappointed. I have developed a really bad habit of storing roses chocolates in the cupboard and when ever his family get to me I go and eat I feel good eating it but then i feel bad. I need to focus on me and stop worrying about everyone else or letting things get to me. It just would be nice for his parents not forgetting they also have a son who is taking a huge step in his life getting married. But his sisters always seems to win them over as she has given birth to their first grandchild. Nothing matters anymore. I don't even talk to them unless they come to me and its not about the wedding but to give me the low down on his sister and baby.

I feel like saying so many things to them like we need help please would you for once listen when I talk about the wedding especially when you have asked how things are but then go straight to talking about his sister as I just said her name about her dress and its her again.

When we have children if we can that is and they start to take an interest in their sons life and mine they can think again. I will not be ringing everyday giving them the low down on what my baby has done or is not doing. I really don't know how I will handle the situation if and when it happens as I am so angry with them now. My mum has gone out of her way helping with the wedding and paying huge sums of money to help us. They are more interested in whether or not to get a WII or PlayStation and blue ray.

Think this is why my weight is up and down with the stress on in laws.

But I am choosing to marry Andy not for his family he is the most important thing in my life but one thing I would like to see is him standing up to his family when they joke or put him down all the time. It drives me crazy its like he is the youngest and not the eldest which is he and a good 4 years older but his sister to me seems the golden child who got married first and now produced the first grandchild.

Time to wake up and relies you have a wonderful son who is caring and so supportive my rock.

My life would be so numb without him by my side and making sure I am teken care of.

He is not worried about my illness and the awful habits i have that has beome from it.