11th October 2009

Well autumn is sure here and its really getting colder now.
As my back is sore and in more pain than I was through the summer months.
I have been strict with myself and been to the gym alot and worked out and done 40 mins of swimming and it sure has paid off.
As I weighed in on Thursday gone -6lbs so pleased with that just hope I can do that again.

Been writing everything down of what I eat and making sure I have my main meal at lunch time.
Even through it doesn't fit in with everyone else this works for me.

22/09/2009

Going to start with a happy event first.
3 weeks ago I finally did it I got married it still all feels a dream even looking at the photo's of the day.
It all went so quickly just wished I did stand back and take all in.

Going back now to the reasons of the blog sadly things are not going so well with weight watchers think with all these events going on had my Aunts golden wedding weekend just gone.
I went to the gym and weighed myself after my workout and so angry with myself that I put on 3lbs will go to WW on Thursday will gym tomo and Thursday as its not till the evening.

But really need to focus more on why I am doing this.
Everyone thinks I have done so well in fact I haven't.

It doesn't help with my in laws finding last years tins of sweets and gets them out and tells me these need eating. I am so upset by their action and how they have not thought that I can not have these in my sight. When they told me it was like they were joking sweets down stairs may kill you but need eating. Why the hell don't they throw them away. Its like sweets for halloween for the children well I doubt they will get them as like last year they got eaten. Yes I will put my hands up to day I was with them.

But I need every possible support with this.
I should be happy now I have had the wedding of my dreams and love my husband very much but deep deep down I am not happy and that is with me and only me.

I will do this and only I can do it.

12 days till the wedding 17th August

Well the wedding is becoming closer and closer getting pretty nervous now having both families together for the first time. After recent events don't think its going to be smelling of roses.
Its like his family don't treat Andy like an adult as he is still living at home and as his sister is married and has a baby as well.
Everyone is focused on them I have been biting my tongue for so long now and can't wait to get out and start our own family life. We will be able to call the shots and no one will treat me like that again as I can not let them into my safe house.

I never want to be treated like that again I do not feel safe in the house every time I hear a car pull up I am up and ready to escape.
I shouldn't have to feel like that and be made to feel like the bad person who has no respect for the people who let me live there. I pay my way and should not have to feel un safe in my room.

He was so out of order.
They have not given a shit about the wedding have not offered any help we have had to ask for help. I have really tried to include them in this wedding but its all about his sister and her family.

Ever since they announced they were having a baby after we announced we are getting married.
Its been all about them.

I don't want a relationship like this I want to be able to get on with his family I did when I first met them now things have changed.
I guess living with them for a year I have come to see what truly goes on in the family and that is putting the one person I love dearly in the corner and forgotten about.

I am in 12 days time marring the one person I love and who makes me happy more than anything and not marring him for his family.

We are going to get on with our lives with or without them.

I have ww tomo night and really don't know how I have done just hope its enough for another lost this week then that will make 3 times in a row.

Here's to tomo WW..........................................

July 6 weeks till wedding

Well after putting on the 4lbs I lost 6lbs due to me being ill got to my 10lb mark,

But as I recovered from that I put on so now I have lost 5lbs but I have not gone over the 22st mark.

Get weighed tomo and think I have stayed the same.

As weighed myself and its the same.

I am not to worried but want to try and shift another half stone before seeing my GP again week on friday so that might be a little to ambitions.

But I am away at my mums as i have 2 appointments this week that will hopefully make us more successful on the housing lists. We so need our space now and then they can all stop walking over Andy. That really upsets me and then which I can see happening is when he will stand up to them I will be the one who changed that and then be at fault.

Once we are out in our own place will be bliss and start our own family.

Here's to the last 6 weeks of being single then to a long and happy healthy marriage.

June 09

Well after 5 weeks at WW I lost half a stone but sadly on my 6th week I added 4lbs back on.

So I put that behind me and got on with week 7 well I stayed the same but I have changed my weigh in days now and I was weighing in 2 days early. So will go to the gym tomo and see if I have lost any. But I feel I will be disappointed. I have developed a really bad habit of storing roses chocolates in the cupboard and when ever his family get to me I go and eat I feel good eating it but then i feel bad. I need to focus on me and stop worrying about everyone else or letting things get to me. It just would be nice for his parents not forgetting they also have a son who is taking a huge step in his life getting married. But his sisters always seems to win them over as she has given birth to their first grandchild. Nothing matters anymore. I don't even talk to them unless they come to me and its not about the wedding but to give me the low down on his sister and baby.

I feel like saying so many things to them like we need help please would you for once listen when I talk about the wedding especially when you have asked how things are but then go straight to talking about his sister as I just said her name about her dress and its her again.

When we have children if we can that is and they start to take an interest in their sons life and mine they can think again. I will not be ringing everyday giving them the low down on what my baby has done or is not doing. I really don't know how I will handle the situation if and when it happens as I am so angry with them now. My mum has gone out of her way helping with the wedding and paying huge sums of money to help us. They are more interested in whether or not to get a WII or PlayStation and blue ray.

Think this is why my weight is up and down with the stress on in laws.

But I am choosing to marry Andy not for his family he is the most important thing in my life but one thing I would like to see is him standing up to his family when they joke or put him down all the time. It drives me crazy its like he is the youngest and not the eldest which is he and a good 4 years older but his sister to me seems the golden child who got married first and now produced the first grandchild.

Time to wake up and relies you have a wonderful son who is caring and so supportive my rock.

My life would be so numb without him by my side and making sure I am teken care of.

He is not worried about my illness and the awful habits i have that has beome from it.

May 09

I have taken the plunge and joined weight watchers on Thursday 1st May.
At least this will show my fiance's family that I am serious as since moving here might has been up and down and this time needs to stay down.

I am finding this time much easier as I am very weary about food and will always check my book or online that its ok.

I did do a little weigh in this morning and according to them I have lost 2.5 already so with that in mind I am going to go in the same clothes I wore today on the Thursday and see if that is right.

Be amazing to lose that in my fist week or maybe more.

Will be back at the gym on Monday as Aunt flow here at the mo so will only be a short workout no swimming but will maybe do longer in the gym.

I do finally feel like I have control back of my body and no that telling me what I need to eat,

So good start so far here's to second weigh in .

Day After Easter Easter Monday

Well its not be great I am now off the tablets and nothing is happening.
Its harder and now easter has arrived I have been given easter eggs. I was good all day till I got into bed and was given them. Wish I was stronger and said no I don't want any this year.
But as my GP said to me I need to take control of my body and mind as its controlling me and I am backed into a corner.
My GP has been fab and gives me courage I need.
After my mums 60th birthday party I am not happy with the photo that was taken.
I have 4 months now till my wedding and its now or never.
Plus I have to see my GP in 4 weeks time and I must lose a stone.
As that will give me a huge boost. Its not all bad as all my clothes that are new and a down size still fit so I am not putting on to much unlike what my GP says.
But if I lose at least 14lbs then it must be a good improvement on his scales at least,

My reason for eating badly not over eating is stress and when I get upset by my family or things I try to organize fulls a part I raid the chocolate.

Hey will see how the next 4 weeks go and see if those numbers start to full on the scales.
Fingers and toes crossed.

This was taken on the 4th April on my mum's 60th Birthday.
I am not happy with this photo at all and shall be the one to push me to achieve the goal I so long want to reach.

Update on my visit from seeing GP March 8th

Well I am so frustrated am now off the tablets as I had put on sodding weight.
But been off them for 2 weeks and its so bloody hard of corse they were working as they were stopping me eat the wrong stuff. So now I am back to feeling hungry when I shouldn't be and tired again as I know I am putting the weight back on.

So mad but its so dam hard when not living on my own and cooking for myself.
To top things off even more I can not even think about having a baby this year as my medication hasn't even been tested as its so new its only being tested on animals.
So this illness is stopping me doing things yet again.

Well I do have a wedding to prepare for I know that is going to be the best day of my life but also having a baby is.

You know I had a dream as I child that I wasn't going to be able to have children and here I am in that dream.

Info on Cauda Equina my illness

The cauda equina is formed by nerve roots caudal to the level of spinal cord termination. Cauda equina syndrome is a combination of low back pain, unilateral or usually bilateral sciatica, saddle sensory disturbances, bladder and bowel dysfunction, and variable lower extremity motor and sensory loss. Cauda equina syndrome is a medical emergency and immediate referral for investigation and treatment is required to prevent permanent neurological damage.1 Epidemiology Cauda equina syndrome is rare. It occurs mainly in adults but can occur at any age. The most common cause of cauda equina syndrome is herniation of a lumbar intervertebral disc. Causes Herniation of a lumbar disc Tumours: metastases, lymphomas, spinal tumours Trauma Spinal stenosis Infection, including epidural abscess2 Congenital, e.g. congenital spinal stenosis, kyphoscoliosis and spina bifida Spondylolisthesis Late-stage ankylosing spondylitis Post-operative haematoma Following spinal manipulation3 Inferior vena cava thrombosis Sarcoidosis Presentation Most cases are of sudden onset and progress rapidly within hours or days. However cauda equina syndrome can evolve slowly and patients do not always complain of pain. Low back pain, with pain in the legs and unilateral or bilateral lower limb motor and/or sensory abnormality. Lower limb motor weakness and sensory deficits: usually asymmetrical weakness with loss of reflexes dependent on the affected nerve root (increased lower limb reflexes and other upper motor neurone signs such as extensor plantar responses may indicate spinal cord involvement and exclude the diagnosis of cauda equina syndrome). Bowel and/or bladder dysfunction with saddle and perineal anaesthesia. Urinary dysfunction may include retention, difficulty starting or stopping a stream of urine, overflow incontinence and decreased bladder and urethral sensation. Bowel disturbances may include incontinence, constipation. Rectal examination may reveal loss of anal tone and sensation. Sexual dysfunction. Investigations The diagnosis is usually possible from the history and examination. Further investigations are focused on localising the site of compression and the underlying cause. MRI scan is usually the preferred investigation to confirm the diagnosis and determine the level of the compression and any underlying cause. Myelography and CT are also sometimes used. Urodynamic studies: may be required to monitor recovery of bladder function following decompression surgery. Differential diagnosis Conus medullaris syndrome (the conus medullaris is located above the cauda equina at T12-L1; nerve root pain is less prominent and the main features are urinary retention and constipation4) Mechanical back pain or prolapsed lumbar disc Fracture of lumbar vertebrae due to trauma Spinal tumour Spinal cord compression Peripheral neuropathy Management Patients should be referred immediately for a neurosurgical consultation. Urgent surgical spinal decompression is indicated for most patients to prevent permanent neurological damage. Immobilise spine if cauda equina syndrome is due to trauma. Surgery is indicated to remove blood, bone fragments, tumour, herniated disc or abnormal bone growth. For patients with a herniated disk as the cause of cauda equina syndrome, early surgical decompression is recommended.5 Lesion debulking is required for space occupying lesions, e.g. tumours, abscess. If surgery cannot be performed, radiotherapy may relieve cord compression caused by malignant disease. Other treatment options may be useful in certain patients, depending on the underlying cause of the cauda equina syndrome: Anti-inflammatory agents, including steroids, can be effective in patients with inflammatory causes, e.g. ankylosing spondylitis. Infection causes should be treated with appropriate antibiotic therapy. Patients with spinal neoplasms should be evaluated for chemotherapy and radiation therapy. Postoperative care includes addressing lifestyle issues, e.g. obesity, and also physiotherapy and occupational therapy, depending on residual lower limb dysfunction. Complications Complications are increasingly likely if diagnosis and appropriate management is delayed, and include residual: Weakness Incontinence Impotence Sensory abnormalities Prognosis Prognosis is dependent on the etiology and the time taken before effective treatment is provided. A degree of bladder and bowel function may be permanently lost. Late diagnosis and treatment increases the risk of a permanent neurological deficit. Patients with bilateral sciatica or complete perianal anesthesia have a less favorable prognosis than patients with unilateral pain. Also this was not said to me........................

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Nor was it treated in the 48 hours
Damage can be so severe and/or prolonged that nerve regrowth is impossible. In such cases the nerve damage will be permanent. In cases where the nerve(s) has been damaged but is still capable of regrowth, recovery time is widely variable. Quick surgical intervention can lead to complete recovery almost immediately afterward. Delayed or severe nerve damage can mean up to several years recovery time because nerve growth is exceptionally slow.



These were taken by a student nurse then she was about to take the stri strips off.

Before they were taken off Then after a neat scar which I still have as well as being lumpy.

Feb 2009

Well not been here for a while winter seems to be on its way out now,thank goodness/.
There are many signs of spring have seen many flowers and the sun has been out, the evenings are getting longer. No more dark and dreary evenings.

OK so a little update on me the battles with my weight and coping with my illness.
Weight first is good I have gone down from 26 to 24 nearly 22. Especially with tops and underwear at last. I have thrown out all my clothes that are to big so I don't slip backwards.
Last month when I saw my GP I had lost 3 kilos. So I really hope I can achieving this again.

Dealing with CES well its seems to me not improving. I still have pain in my legs every time I go to get up or when I have been out walking. Its one of those no win situations. I am now having to take movacole for my bowls which is working but my stools have gone very soft to where I spend 10 mins having to clean myself with wipes and now having to wear pads 24/7. That is so going to look sexy for my wedding (not).

After doing some more research on CES I have found that if I was treated from the moment I complained about pains in my back and legs I would may of recovered fully by now.
But as it was left longer than 48 hours they say it ill take seval years for regrowth of nerves.

So this explains why 2 years on I am no better.
Am off to see ym GP on TUesday to ask if I can have a baby while on these tablets as I have tried to come off them but as I am still in pain and have crump again in my left foot.

My wedding plans are going well I have all the bits ready cut out to make the invitations this week so I can get them out next month.
AS we now down to 6 months to go.
Pretty scary really as I never thought I would get this far in planning.
Due to past experiances.
I do know this is going to happen but still feels unreal.